A Bag of Songs and a Heavy Heart

2009-10-15T01:17:00.000-07:00

All along I have always been meant to leave after this semester. I just refused to accept it, and mechanised imaginary ways and excuses to stay.

All this was meant to be temporary and I forgot about it. Today 15/10/09 I have to start packing up: saying goodbye, packing up, calling it a day. Most of all, accepting the fact that in a few weeks time all, including the moment I will make in the next few days will be memory.

As to the emancipation that I so desperately wanted, the reason why I got all the way here... I got it, more than I myself know.

It just sucks I'm going home with subjects undone.

2009-09-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

And yet after too many posts and rants published online I still end up doing more.
Most of them on a similar time of the day as well. Just before I sleep, and just before the sun rises.

I guess I have to surrender and get used to the fact that this heavy heart will never cease until I make a full surrender of myself to the Lord. For until my worldly flesh yearns for worldly desires, peace and content will never come to me.

It's just that writing this it way too sad because I am pretty much laying down the cards on the right thing to do yet I can never seem to have the courage to do it. How petty!

Lord please forgive me for such awful cowardice.

2009-09-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

First week of September 2009 marked my 3rd year anniversarry with Starbucks Coffee. In commemmoration of a special event here is a video taken on my first year with the company which would have been very well 2 years ago!

..

Two months later...

2009-08-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

So I see the last post I made was two months and a day ago! It's exam week here in my world. I'm pretty sure two months and a day ago I had visions, goals, and drive to improve and be better. Things have changed for the better I guess but the worries I have now are still the same to that before, just bigger and closer to the conclusion.

In the two months I haven't been posting life was way too eventful. I obviously could not gather enough time to grasp each moment by moment to document things by writing. In between I wrote in notebooks and notepads but overall the past two months have been "absent". I have been absent from things. I don't even know how to keep going on describing it.

One of the significant things I have realised in those two months though is that I have ended my denial of the fact that I am clueless at this point of who I want to be and what my passion is.

Yes, I am doing Commerce in Accounting and I am well halfway through it and there is no turning back. Yes, I have a stable job with Starbucks and I am loving it. Yes, I have a dream of one day going back home and becoming a white collar slave. Although NO I have not found that passion that I am willing to settle for, for the rest of the time I have here in this world that God will allow me with.

At the moment I want to try to avoid arguing with myself and thinking too much on what that "NO" is, which is what I don't have as mentioned above. I want to just make the best of the "YES" things that I have.

To close my first post in so long and somehow commence my journey on making the "NO" a "YES" I would like to share something.

When I was in Grade Six going on first year high school I had a dream. I saw in the National Paper (The Inquirer) an ad for the University of the Philippines (High School) in Los Banos for scholarship applications open to students keen in the performing arts. During this time I had found talents and won back to back competitions in Feature Writing, Debating, Public Speaking, and Singing. I was so keen on applying for that scholarship I would discuss the matter with my parents almost everyday- but everyone said NO.

2009-06-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

For the first time since I don't know when I was forced to brave the cold and hit the bat labs tonight (read: dawn) just to get online. For some reason our wi-fi router at home is turned off or mocking up again.

By the end of this week I will be 20, something I have been looking forward to. It's come oh so quick, I bet my 21st will come quicker. I haven't really set a lot of deadlines of "what" and "who" I should be by when I become 20 unlike my 18th. It's my 21st birthday where I've put pressure on myself though. I think it is because of that pressure that I feel some kind of anxiety about turning 20. Everything is make or break now. Although everything has always been make or break specifically on the two semesters worth of university studies I have left before the start of this semester, I have blindedly given myself allowances for me to be able to enjoy life and fulfill my worldly needs. This time those allowances are gone there is no more other option that to finish things with a nice clean scrape.

On top of the whole "turning 20" anxiety university work is getting more worried up to a whole new level. It's Week 5 and mid-semesters are coming up soon. Flying to Sydney this week might prove to be damaging as I will be missing out on a few classess. I have made it a point therefore that I am staying here at the bat labs until I get work done to a point where I feel better and not too guilty.

Overwhelmed

2009-06-03T08:06:00.000-07:00

I feel so overwhelmed. There is a big big task ahead of me. There are only to choices: to give up, or to keep on running the race.

When I made the decision to stay here I obviously decided to run the race. Now I'm just so overwhelmed that things seem to be tougher that what they ought to be. It's a classic case and scenario. Can be easily planned out, can be easily strategised when your not faced with it. But when your actually here like I am now it all becomes overwhelming. All there is you can do is vent it out, breathe for a little, and start doing something about it.

I want to cry, though its exteremely sad I have to find other ways to trigger tears before I can do let it out. I have somewhat mastered the art of cheating myself from emotions.

Finances

2009-06-02T05:52:00.000-07:00

Last week I pretended money was all but leaves plucked out of a tree so easy to reach. Did not think about it, not even for a minute (except for the early part of the week though).

So at the start of last week I can clearly recall staying up until almost 5am thinking of what to do for the 3 days I have off. I was so sure I was going to travel. Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaid, Perth, Fiji, Whitsundays, Sunshine Cost- just to name the few on the short list. And then my conscience kept whisphering to me all through the night! "You can still have rest and recreation w/o going away for half the amount of money and effort you will spend". My conscience won, and I am never letting it win over my gutt instinct ever again!

I ended up staying local. I also ended up spending even more than what my holidays would have cost me! And what did I get in return? Countless moments of blabberring, checking out people, and bitching with a close friend. So much food that came in and out my bowels. A new pair of Ray-Bans. Except for the new pair of Ray-Bans, nothing is left that I still appreciate up to this time (one week later).

I just finished up updating my budget you see. Pretending to be in the league of the un-scholarly classmates I have (at Bond your either a rich bitch, a scholar, or a wannabe of both) just doesn't work! Well OK, it does work but not for me. I'm not in the position to spend, I am still in the progress of aggressively saving up.

So according to my financial spredsheets, with the money I spent on the latter part of last week I could have stayed overnight at a 5 star hotel in Sydney+airfares, stayed there for 2days and 3nights and still have allowance for shopping! Because of that stupid choice I made I am know on 0% growth towards my savings and facing a possible (-) negative one in the next few days if I don't thrift it hard!!!

Being in this position ain't so good! Specially when your birthday is coming right up in less than 20 days, and big Stocktake Clearance season is sneaking it's way in a few hours time!!!

Enough

2009-05-30T06:51:00.000-07:00

Enough is enough- I am literally watching myself make mistakes I shouldn't be making anymore as I ought to have learned from the past.

I have to look back more and think about the real reasons of why I am here, and the people who inspire me to go on everyday. It is certainly not for myself that I am motivated to wake up every morning and face the trials given to me through life. It is for reasons and for people far more deeper and meaningful than what I think it to be at times.

Sometime, Somehow

2009-05-29T05:14:00.000-07:00

Just came back from a day of relaxing (killiing time). Been at Brisbane most of the day- eating, window shopping, checking out new places. As soon as I get home and check updates I stumbled upon this song from a friend. It's so true for me right now. It's amazing I can finally relate to love songs first hand- something I really wished for back then. As usual, I realize it's not that good of a feeling- "be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it".

Anyway, here it is...

We speak but the words we say mean nothing
We smile but the smiles we give are wanting
We look upon each other's eyes,
No spark, no glow, no real signs, but we both know
This is all for show

Until that sometime, somewhere,
We could show the world we have each other
Sometime, somewhere, we need not hide our feelings
We just keep on believing
That we both have the time together
Sometime and somewhere, our lips would be free at last
To say the words we've hungered to say
And we won't have to worry, we smile, we won't say sorry
One look and we have cast our fears aside

Sometime, that sometime we'll turn to forever for all time
Somewhere, our somewhere would not be just one place but everywhere

Until that sometime, somewhere,
We just have to be content with stealing glances
Somehow, content with saying nothing, smiles that are always wanting
Though deep inside it hurts because we know that our love,
Like love is what it is, it's what we got
Our love, like love will have to wait until that sometime, somewhere

2009-05-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

I'm so useles! I can't help but realise I have wasted so much emotion in the past few weeks. Emotions that lead up pacts and promises to myself. Promises I see myself freely breaking.

Today I made a choice that I wouldn't have made if not for the mistakes I've made in the past though. I'm glad I still see the sensible beside me. I would have thought it had already disappeared from me.

2009-05-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

It was supposed to be a bitter-sweet Saturday off today. Bitter because I miss out on weekend pay at work, sweet because I can laze around under the melancholic weather. It seems though God wants to make sure I don't run out of money which is one paramount thing I get very worried about- I worked and just got home.

I still can't stop listening to 6 Underground. I'm not exactly listening to the lyrics, I'm pretty much just enjoying the beat- the hip trop beat.

Highlights:

* New person of interest! I posed the question "Would you rather be lonely or miserable?" boldy. The answer was miserable, the reason wasn't explained clearly. I did get a cute smile after though! There's nothing much to hope about this new person BUT I'm just glad there's someone out there new, a new human being I can learn from.

* As soon as I got home and checked for updates my mood went on a landslide down. I don't want to get into details on what it is. I'm pretty sure when I look back to this post in the near future I will still remember what this is all about. I'm glad my drive to back off/lay off from someone who has nothing been a beautiful disaster in my life is stronger than it has been. Enough damage has been done. I'm glad through that person I have grown to appreciate being lonesome in serenity.

* I have seriously got to already catch up with work by the end of this week (today)! If not, I have the rest of the following week to change the decision I made three days ago.

This Blog

2009-05-22T09:05:00.000-07:00

I wonder if anyone ever reads this blog. It would be freaky to know that someone does, which would be you, yes YOU reading this now. Everytime I make posts I pour my heart out boldly with all nakedness. Inasmuch as I like keeping certain feelings and emotions to myself, I still keep this blog open to everyone though. I want to be able to prove myself that I CAN be that person who everyone knows about in and out, no secrets! I don't provide feeds or links to this blog (except for the first few weeks I created it) because I want people to dig on it first before finding it. This, makes this blog very precious! It's ME, it's Carmelo.

Outside this blog I sadly admit people don't get the real me. It's weird, it's sad, it's not right- whatever it's unfortunately the truth! Here's a summary:

* At work there's the extrovert guy behind the bar who talks really fast- most of the time smiling but sometimes grumpy when intimate with work.

* At university there's the shy but sometimes not too shy guy who sits at the back most of the time, or front if there's no choice. Always hesitating to join discussions, and forever dreading presentations.

* At home (Gold Coast), either sleeping-online-reading a book- does not spend time outside the room for more than 30 minutes.

* In the club, dance freak- then emo- then hyper again- funny- then snobby.

In conclusion, Am I in the wrong place or is this just a part of my life NOW. I'm only myself at home (Sydney) around people I LOVE or in this blog.

Moral of the post is- I'm bored, I wanted to update the blog, I'm writing another "self-search" post, but not ending with a sensible conclusion. Hence, this post if labelled as a "rant" below!

6 Underground

2009-05-21T07:13:00.000-07:00

Been hearing this song on/off work (Starbucks) for over two years now. Really liked it but never seemed to show interest in listening to it outside work till now. It played in the movie "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" which I thought was more than what people think it to be.

Anyway, I'm quite surprised this song dates back to 96! I was like in Grade 2 back then. Thinking of this reminds me once again I can only be so much more thankful! I am living the life I dreamt of back then, although it's not fairytale-like, it's still what I dreamt of.

I can't believe they had trip hop music back then! Perhaps I should search for more. It's less the lyrics but more on the tune that I'm really into in this song.

Here goes:

2009-05-20T08:20:00.000-07:00

I've made a decision- I'm staying.

It feels weird though, very weird! All I know is I've got work to do, and I go to keep on with for as long and as far as things allow it to be. I would not have made the decision without the help of Mom, Dad, and my bestfriend.

In synch with making the decision is this feeling. A kind of shifting to the sensible feeling. A sort of metamorphosis of my mentality from being restless and wild to being serious and more careful in making choices. I told myself earlier tonight- I have proven myself capable of the "worldly" things I want to reach, although some are still yet to be achieved. It's time to put that aside. I need time for myself, time to take care of my sensible self. Time to take care of the things that DO matter.

In lieu to this feeling though is a more risky attitute. I find myself more aggressive? low-tempered? And not as intolerant as I ought to be. Or maybe this is just me making something out of nothing.

All I know is I want change. I want time for myself, time for my inner emotional needs. Less vanity, more deep reflections.

2009-05-18T22:42:00.000-07:00

And so I think I'm staying.

There will be no packing up, only cleaning up. No resignation, only putting back the gameface on. There will be no tears, only blood and sweat. There will be no good-byes, only probably backing off.

UTS hasn't persuaded me enough in conclusion. They have given me exemptions but not enough, they have given me a straight up offer but it wasn't the exact offer I wanted.

Bond has not even close done any of the grim thoughts I thought they would do to me for doing poorly last semester, and the semester before that.

The semester, and the semester before that will not happen again. Never again.

Although things aren't really official and final until next week, last week to withdraw. Everything seems pretty final for me.

I'm going grocery shopping
I'm buying myself a new "feel good" item
I'm cleaning my room
Doing my laundry / fix my wardrobe
Then file things up!

And of course counting 1-14!

2009-05-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

It's Friday, it's Friday, It's Friday! (to the tunes of "It's Raining") .

Bond has passed on it's verdict:

My academic adviser has chosen to a.) Put a blind eye on the situation and has decided to let me through to whatever way I want to OR b.) She is too stressed, too busy, has too many other students to attend to, plus her personal private concerns to ever notice and care about me. Nevertheless all this means I am moving along with Bond and even better with some subject via correspondence to save myself some money.

As of yesterday Macquarie university is out of the line-up because UTS has given me a better offer. I am still anxiously waiting though, and have been since 9 am for the subject exemption assessment that they are doing. If the exemption are good 4 subjects + then I am most likely packing up, OR getting myself thinking MORE over the weekend.

Sydney- why do I really want to go back to Sydney? Last semester I was doing everything just so I don't have to go back. I managed to live here for 5 months straight without even just an overnight visit home. Then come last week I visit home and suddenly decide I want move back home again. I guess it all comes down to stability in there. Not having to worry about getting fired at work, then having no money to pay my rent, or getting evicted out of home. Plus staying here will be under strict terms. No more failed subjects, and even higher grades for my transcript.

The final decision is lying around the corner and it will float up in any hour now!

2009-05-12T07:48:00.000-07:00

I did what I once pictured myself doing back when I was new here in the Gold Coast. Chill at that small Filipino restaurant "joint".

I remember the first time I saw the place was passing by it on a bus ride to or from the airport. From then on everytime I passed by it I always imagined getting to know the workers/owners, having Filipino acquaintances in the Gold Coast, eating my beloved Filipino food, being melancholic.

I did the exact thing this evening. Even with a cherry on the top when Tita Malou played a nice smooth mix of instrumentals and OPM music. Two of my favourites played while I savoured my halo-halo: that theme song from Daybreak, and "Kung Ako Nalang Sana". It was so momentum.

It seems to me everything I envisioned to happen before and when I first got here has been fulfilled. There is nothing else I can think of other than graduation. This concludes to two things. One, I feel unfulfilled being in here; there is nothing to look forward. No goals to reach, nothing that will make me wake up in the morning. Second, I could be wrong. This could all just mean that my little pet dreams are all done and out of the way. It's time to move to that one paramount reason as to why I am here- graduation.

Being a critical and open-minded thinker is a real liability. Making up my mind is impossible as I go through harder circumstances. I become better in squeezing out alternatives, options, and scenarios- in other words choices that make the situation even harder to put a period to.

When I got home I though maybe it's about time I do write down pros and cons. I never have done so before and I thought I might have to this time because the choices are just countless! As I write this though, everything comes down to two things.

I can abide by conclusion number 1 of how I am feeling right now. Everything is done, nothing will drive me to go on in here anymore- it's time to move on. On the other hand I can go by conclusion two: Everything is done, there is nothing to look forward to anymore BUT that paramount goal of graduation.

If I abide by 1 I will be letting go of everything I have been attached to. Independence, solace, a life free of self-consciousness, and a job that allows me to earn GOOD money while studying. In return I will open my life to a new and exciting change and at the same time once again be reunited with the comfort of family and friends, never having to worry about the insecurity of the total uncertaintly my life here brings.

Abiding by number two would deprive me of the pros I have mentioned above but allow me to keep the things I said earlier I would let go. Big risk though as I would have to still work with the best of my capacity to ensure my welfare here. I would also have to solely focus on studies alone and nothing else and make sure I don't flop. I know I may have made that vow to myself 4 semesters ago but this time it has to be 200% executed.

Choice number sets out a clear road at the expense of my self wants and emotional needs. Choice number two is a risky path ahead but promising my wants guaranteed and my goal reached earlier than choice 1 but only by walking through a valley of thorns trying not to step into even ONE on the way.

Lord thank you for letting me get into these two conclusions summing things up. In the end Lord it is still up to you. The only part that is mine is the free-will part.

Matthew 11: 28-30

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

2009-05-11T07:51:00.000-07:00

It is one of those words I find very evil as I know it is purely against the teaching recorded in the Word of God- the word "purgatory". I would like to excuse myself at this very undesirable situation though. It is the only word I can think of that could satisfactorily describe what I am going through right now.

VERY uncertain, it is impossible to make a decision right now. I know very well that God is in charge of my life although because He has given me free will, it is me in the end who makes that final call- be it against his will or not. Usually in circumstances like this I have my cards laid down clear and by HIS help the burden gets very light, and decision making becomes easy and specially with advice from my parents.

This time it's very different. The cards are unclear, they are played and assessed under the hands of people. I am in the middle waiting for what they have to say, and then I make either move. Very much like the purgatory my catholic school taught me when I was in grade school. Apparently, and in no way a fact: when a soul dies and he/she is neither good or bad he/she is placed in the purgatory. The people on Earth could pray so fervently for him/her if they decide to do so then God assessess if the prayer's are enough to let him/her pass to Heaven. Complete HOAX and disgusted with myself as I am writing this. I shouldn't be writing all this. I just have to relate the situation into something.

I am praying things become clear by the end of this week and that next I can move on. Anything earlier will all be a blessing. I can only thank God for reaching a new weight in giving me trials. I also only have myself to smack in the head and make sure I learn from the mistakes I have made to get into a situation such as this. I have my loved ones to thank for as well for being open to whatever path God will lead me.

Scared

2009-04-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

The only ONE I fear is the Lord. I wrote about this on a post a few months back. In life there are a lot of things I'm scared of though. Now, I don't know if both Scared and Fear are synonyms or how they are related. I'm too lazy to look it up either. All I know is that for me there is a set distinction of both.

Fear for me is total subjection and complete submission. In every major and hopefully everyday decision I make, I always see to it as much as possible that I make God happy- because I fear of the Lord being unhappy with me. Very similar to the approach I have with my parent and elders, only the Fear of the Lord is paramount.

On the other hand, "scared" are things that make me feel uncertain. Things that I know the Lord does not want me to feel as they are a waste of emotions. Scary things for me are things that detach me from grasping through every angle in my life.

There is one thing that is really scaring me at the moment and I can only pray that the Lord deliver me from it. I feel that the curtains are rolling down on the chapter that my life is at present and it will be soon time for me to move on. When I think of how I got into this position, I get so frustrated as I have made the effort to not get into the situation, although I know the Lord just wants me to be thankful that despite all he has always been there and that he has helped me through it all without even a scratch. It's just a little painful bearing the thought of seeing that day to take a bow come. I have developed a comfort zone in where I am at right now. I do not feel the wanting to go back that I strongly felt before. I am living the life that I dreamed of in high school. The most painful of all, I have found the one person that makes me happy and at the same time makes me frustrated in the sweetest ways, it will be impossible to say goodbye without floods of tears.

I'm going to be honest I am gathering strength to face the Lord and beg for another chance- I can never be deserving of it though. The events transpiring lately just can't hide the fact that the big top down is being pulled down. I can only fervently pray that I am only being paranoid, and being too suspicious.

- I have had to move out of the room I stayed for two semesters, being the semesters spend most stupenduously.
- I have not unpacked my things, instead all my belongings are ready to yet be packed again.
- I have not done any grocery shopping whatsoever, and do not intend to do so until after my visit home, and when things become clear again.
- I have been so lifeless as of late. No inspiration, no drive, barely avoiding to be ungrateful.

I don't even know how to end this non-sensical letter anymore. All I know is I have never been so uncertain and lifeless with the future as I have been lately.

2009-04-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

Only God knows what the morrow brings. As for the past, the best we can do is look back, embrace memories, and keep lessons learned on the way.

Starbucks staff meeting- The Vibe Hotel, Surfers Paradise

With Rochelle, doing uni work on the go.
Cropped photo of myself, after a group presentation.
Sitting a mid semester exam I didn't do very well in.
The actual first time I ate strawberries, I pretended it wasn't a first- I loved it! (Max Brenner)
Earlier on during the semester.

Change Ahead

2009-04-28T10:03:00.001-07:00

It has been almost half a month now since my last post. I was reviewing (barely) for my final exams then, and now it is over and done.

Through the first semester of this year I felt that my life revolved around university. Keeping up with homeworks and missing out on a few of them. Revising for mid semester exams that did not go too well. Making up for it through assignments that reaped good results. Then finally quenching every bit of determination in me (there wasn't a lot) to be ready for the final exams, only to walk out of the exam hall feeling very insecure and uncertain.

By now it feels very awkward not stressing about meeting deadlines, and motivating myself. I feel somewhat empty, uninspired, and lifeless not having study work. Lord, how could I have been so sensitive about university work and still possibly face the possibility of failing all the four subjects I took this semester.

There is Change Ahead that I am sensing. I feel that no matter how driven I was in the past semester, something just has to occur to change things around. If not, then I will be grateful to the Lord once again. If so, I pray that the Lord gives me strength to face what is ahead of me.

Time keeps on flying by blissfully even now that my life is at a quite stage being on semester break. Events are occuring and I feel dumbfounded by all of them- innocent of the realities they bring.

I am just amazed I can still bare to express my empty self, although I know for sure nothing is making sense out of all this.

2009-04-14T09:06:00.000-07:00

There is no denying the fact that I have been missing out on daily Scripture in the past week or so. Despite all, God is good and merciful. I can NEVER EVER make up for any of the wicked mistakes I make through life's way.

By HIS Grace I am getting ready for the final stretch of the semester (final exams). It's all up to Him now and the decisions I make in the next week that will dictate how I do this semester. My God has done His part and have even bestowed miracles this semester to keep me on my feet- my duty now is to appreciate this, and do my part (study).

I read Proverbs 15 today. I felt that the Lord has once and over and over again reminded me of the wicked person and how it is very easy for me to waver into one.

Proverbs 15:

v1. A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievious words stir up anger.
v3. The eyes of the Lord are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.
v5. A fool despiseth his father's instruction: but he that regardeth reproof is prudent.
v8. The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord: but the prayer of the upright is his delight.
v12. A scorner loveth not one that reproveth him: neither will he go unto the wise.
v16. Better is little with fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble therewith.
v29. The Lord is far from the wicked: but he heareth the prayer of the righteous.
v32. He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul: but he that heareth reproof getteth understanding.
v33. The fear of the Lord is the instruction of wisdom; and before honour is humility.

Lord, my flesh is very weak and I know that if not for knowing you as my personal Saviour I would easily succumb into any temptation without hesitation. I thank you for always reminding me of what I should not be. I pray that you will always give me the strength to run the race, for your glory.

Realisation

2009-04-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

Ok. As far as I'm concerned I like looking good. I like new clothes, I like nice looking clothes. But paramount to that I am very meticulous when it comes to value and price. Yes, not a very good combination right? Although I think it is when your a striving university student fending for yourself.

Last night, just a few hours ago we checked out a new mall in town. Then randomly I showed my friend this jacket I've been really wanting for a while now. Randomly again I tried it on, then the next thing I know I fell in love with it.

Money wasn't an issue, I could afford the garment. It was so beautiful! It was THAT checkered trench coast I've been wishing I could get forever! So I got it! I paid for it even in cash so there was no strings attached. I kept my credit card to itself!

A few hours later I got home, all excited to put it on and feel GOOD. BAD! Very bad I felt. I realised how long the sleeves were. Of all things I hate is when sleeves are too long. They make me feel like I'm wearing an oversized garment, in other words FAT!

I felt so frustrated, and I still feel frustrated. Tommorrow I'm going to try my fate in having it exchanged or refunded or something. Worse comes worse I'll have to get it altered which may cost a few because it would be hard to do.

After I sort this jacket thing out, no more shopping for me! I would have actually felt better staring at what would have been my more liquid bank account, than that jacket.

I'll sleep now. But devotions first. I've neglected devotions for two days now which would be one night.

Goodnight!

p.s. to top up my crap mood. i found the washing I hung outside in the garden was wiped away into the soil by the storm. i'm drying them now but it's probably still full of soil.

Goodnight again.

2009-03-31T07:31:00.000-07:00

It's a few minutes past Tuesday already and I missed my Bible readings for yesterday. Although I've made up for it just then. My readings were Proverbs 30 and 31.

The two chapters are very deep and require time to study, and Godly wisdom for understanding. I started off with taking note of the following encouraging reminders:

v5. Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
v6. Add not thou unto his words, let he reprove thee and thou be found a liar.
v8. Remove far from me vanity and lies: give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me:
v9. Let I be full, and deny thee, and say who is the Lord? or let I be poor, and steal, and take the name of God in vain.

v8-9 in particular are very touching specially being a university student aiming on developing an "excellent" career and a promising future. It is very tempting to inspire myself with this concept. But the Lord knows the truth, and He knows the real purpose for why I am here. I know for as long as I stick to that purpose, of which I am blessed to have been reminded about in the past few days, the Lord will help me get through all obstacles that may come in the way.

The rest of Chapter 30 outlines the words of Agur, a character I honestly have not stumbled upon yet in my Christian life. He mentions a series of "four things" that are significant in this earth and a christian must be aware of.

Significantly, the chapter also discusses generations. A generation that curseth, pure in their own eyes, lofty in their own eyes, and a last one whose teeth are as swords. I find this part of Chapter 30 something worth looking up very intimately as I feel it signifies the recent generation that I have and maybe will witness.

The generation before me which was my parents generation was one of revolutions and plenty of rebellion, "a generation that curseth". Then I would say the generation I am in at the moment is one that is "pure in their own eyes". Everyone nowadays seem to want control of everything and reason. The other generations scare me. It scares me the way the Lord describes it. All that comes into my mind is "wicked".

Finally Chapter 31 is the words of King Lemuel, according to the prophecy that his mother taught him. On this chapter I for some reason relate to my own mother telling me similar things. The chapter describes a righteous woman, one that a man should take as his wife.

This part of Ch. 31 is such a blessing! I know by God's grace he will lead me to such woman. In prayer, and through faithfulness.

Prayer and Revival

2009-03-30T08:08:00.000-07:00

Right after I got home I checked my e-mails and facebook. Then as I started to feel down, tired and insecure like I have been at this time for the past weeks I decided hop onto Ate Mahal's blog to check if she has a new entry that may be encouraging. There wasn't anything new but for some reason I was lead into clicking to one of the sites in her directory called "all about prayer". Getting into the website lead me into clicking into an article about "how to pray". I feel very blessed at the moment to be reminded of how wonderful prayer is. Furthermore, of how wonderful God's love is and how blessed we are to have someone love us so much despite being so sinful.

As I was reading the article I made a decision through conviction that I need revival and I am in day two of it. For some time now I have been telling myself that my spiritual life is in control, reading the Bible when I have "time" to, and always wanting to go to church but always missing out due to my crazy schedule. I am quitting this illusion and admitting that I need to get back with my intimate relationship with God, my bestfriend.

Last night I was blessed to have been reminded of how close God is, and through God is peace that we think is so hard to reach but is only a prayer away. Tonight, I am determined to revive my relationship with God.

My prayer for now is strength to always be strong to battle satan and his temptations. Afterall, my protector is God, the God of the Heavens, the Maker of the Earth.

Peace

2009-03-29T06:09:00.001-07:00

I am blessed and very thankful to once again be reminded that true Peace is a prayer away, and is in the Lord.

Life has been a rollercoaster since the start of the year, or even since I started life on my own here in the Gold Coast. When I packed my bags with it was the Lord's company and His Word the Bible which I knew would serve as my comfort. Although through the months and what has become a year now, Satan has without stop made thousands of attempts to distract me from that REAL comfort and I can humbly confess the Lord's enemy and my enemy has succeeded in some ways.

In the end God is good. Today is the eve of an assignment due for a subject I am completely struggling with. Because I missed going to church, I thought a few minutes ago I better read my Bible to feed my spiritual needs. This was a few minutes ago, and throuh a quick instant after reading Proverbs 31 I feel complete protection, under God's halo. Through the semester I have been so desperate for peace, but tonight I am blessed to be under the faithful love that God always bestows on his children. He has reminded me once again that peace is only a prayer away, and the Bible is always there ready at reach for guidance. It is so easy to do, but when life's tempest is right ahead of you it is so easy to forget.

As a reflection I have noted some verses from Proverbs 31 that I feel is relevant in my daily situations at the moment, it be at work or university:

Proverbs 31

v.3

Whoso loveth wisdom rejoiceth his father: but he that keepeth company with harlots spendeth his substance.

v.5

A man that flattereth his neighbour spreadeth a net for his feet.

v.6

In the transgression of an evil man there is a snare, but the righteous doth sing and rejoice.

v.9

If a wise man contendeth with a foolish man, whether he rage or laugh, there is no rest.

v.11

A foo uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth in till afterwards.

v.23

A man's pride shall bring him low: but honour shall uphold the humble spirit.

v.25

The fear of a man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe.

I seeked for inspiration, and by God's grace He has given it to me through His Word.
My only prayer is now that with my final exams coming up I will not falter to remember these reflections.

Still Going

2009-03-23T19:11:00.001-07:00

Time is still flying by as quick the the brown fox.

Life is obviously taking it's toll at me again, specially for the next 4 weeks. I can't even put iinto detail anymore everything that is making me weary, although a lot of it at the moment is with university studies.

I started out driven, then got drifted away, then now driven again patching up mistakes I've made in the middle of the semester.

If anyone does ever read my blog, please pray for me.

C.

2009-03-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

Standing in front of a six lane highway at peak hour, watching countless cars pass by. That's how I feel my life has been this year so far. It's very uneventful really, but for some ugly reason it's going really fast.

Like all the cars speeding by the highway, every moment goes so fast you can barely appreciate it's meaning or take control of what happens.

I believe success in life is not minimising the number of times you fail and fall. But it is how well you manage failing and falling no matter how many times it may happen.

But it doesn't make sense right, when the whole failing and falling then getting up again becomes a regular cycle. Once you catch yourself from falling, you would try your best to keep at it and never fall again right?

I've been reflecting. I've taken too much optimism from negative things that whenever I am faced with a choice between doing right or wrong, I don't hesitate to do the wrong because I think I can get up the way I did the first time.

It's wrong, so wrong.

I'm scared.

Fear

2009-03-13T01:52:00.000-07:00

I Fear God and no one else.

I fear that my soul is so weak, my mind is so wicked, and my body is so lustful- I fail to glorify the Lord in everything I do.

I fear I choose the world, more than I choose Jesus.

I fear that despite the fire burning in me to have God in the centre of my affairs everyday, I still fail at times, and even all the time.

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and of a good courage FEAR not nor be afraid of them. For the Lord thy God, He it is that doth go with thee. He will not fail thee nor forsake thee.

Through everything going through in my life right now. God is the only one I can depend on. The only one who was there ever since. Always faithful.

God and God Alone.

Duffy Reflections

2009-03-10T06:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, Hanging On Too Long can be a mistake. A lesson I learn everyday, more than once a day as I listen to this track from my current hero Duffy.

I keep on giving myself excuses on why it would be worth it to hang on.

1.) I need to live by being a faithful person withstanding all negative factors even when there is a risk of potential betrayal.

2.) I've developed a comfort zone within it, hanging on is the only choice there is.

3.) I would put into waste everything I gave up just for it- things that changed my life forever, changed my plans for the future, and even things that hurt other people I love.

Everytime, everyday I move on hanging along the signs and occurences are so obvious my mind has not been sane for so long now.

What am I doing Hanging On Too Long? Am I really wishing to make a mistake not needful of doing?

How do I let go though, without offence, with a clean cut?

I've prayed. Prayed for Divine intervention.

As I write this, an advice I've been holding on so far since the start of this year screams out my mind:

"One mistake is enough, once being hard headed is enough. There is no need to trigger the Almighty One to intervene but with very hurtful consequences".

I believe everyday and every second of life given to us is a "chance" to correct things.

There is no more room for mistakes.

My other half

2009-03-03T07:26:00.000-08:00

This is me- begging for a scandal!

JOKES! I found this picture while browsing through the mountain of forgotten photos I have in my friendster account. If this is me two years ago, am I right in thinking that I have changed looks-wise? For the better or for the worse?

How weird then, because when I sported this appearance, I would have changed tremendously from how I looked the year before.

Am I metamorphosizing too fast?
How will I look like by the end of this year?

Sad

2009-03-01T20:04:00.000-08:00

I find it sad. One of my greatest weaknessess, being inconsistent with keeping my eye on hitting on goals is taking it's toll on me again.

My first couple of weeks back in uni has been uber focused and all. Then all of a sudden I find myself sitting on my desk staring at my books and finding I've lost all inspiration and inconsistent with a good start.

I recall back in high school I went to different school. For some reason I'd always find my way into the Student Council being class president, student chairperson, etc. This would be because I always give myself good starts in school by showing good impression and focusing on study. Although it'd always end up in mishap. Like when I became president in 1st year high, I was so popular then I ended up going astray. People hated me, regreted giving me higher power in class, and then even almost impeached me! It was lame old high school memory but I know that through these circumstances, God is hammering it into my conviction now that I have to work on this weakness.

Enough ranting- Summer is over, Fall is here. But living here in the Gold Coast now Fall isn't really as good as Sydney, it's still hot. As for Summer, I ended it with a mistake I intentionally risked myself doing. Only finding myself walking to my house "zig zag" from another tipsy night praying to praying for God to help me get up from an hour sleep to come to work at 6 in the morning. God is faithful and I got to work w/o a scratch and lasted the whole 8 hour shift. There was no escaping from consequences though. Geee, some foolish child I am, but I am seriously repentful.

Here's to waving Summer goodbye, and welcoming Fall:

Then as usual past midnight, cinderella-man is stripped off all burden regarding looks whatsoever and ends up looking like couture trash! :P

Enemy No. 1

2009-02-24T20:23:00.000-08:00

I feel very defeated right now. It's 2.23 p.m and I just woke up. I missed out on an important tutorial this morning.

Beforehand everything was perfect, all my revision and preparations were done and that was around 5am. So I thought, maybe I can sleep for 2 hours before my lecture at 8am. The next thing I know, it was already 9am.

My biggest enemy at the moment is sleep. I hate it so much! There has not been a day recently where I have not had at least 8 hours sleep. It is very contrary to what I'm used to which is 4 hours for every 24 hours.

I need to find a way to fight this. I need to find a way to control how much I sleep. It seems as soon as I get into bed and knock out, I can't dictate to myself when I should wake up. My body has complete dominion over me!

ROCKFERRY

2009-02-24T00:31:00.000-08:00

Super obsessed! Yes, I'm super obsessed with Duffy's album Rockferry specially the first single which has the same tittle as the album. I've been playing it over and over again, I feel sorry to anyone else who has to suffer from having to listen to it (sorry!) !!

I bought it on the first week of this year after hearing it on one of our Starbucks compilations. I was in such a rush to get hold of it I had to buy it at Virgin in Sydney, only to find the deluxe version at Borders the next day! Either way it's all good. Duffy's songs are very deep, moody, sentimental, and melancholic. Just exactly how I like my music to be (at times). In fact, the tittle of this blog "A Bag of Songs and a Heavy Heart" is from the song. I love songs that take you to places.

I wonder when her next album will come out?

Saturday Off

2009-02-21T06:43:00.000-08:00

- Brace yourself for a long post - (if ever anyone will be reading it)

For the first time since I don't remember when I actually had Saturday off (except for when I go on annual leave). I had three options- 1.) Just don't do anything, and pretend like it's nothing special 2.) Party so hard because I can sober up all day, and then 3.) Go to Sydney for the day because everyone will be home. I decided to take option 2. It was OK, I have no regrets I busted out some stress. Though I feel very greasy deep inside (emotionally). I've been promising myself a thousand times to not party unless it's necessary but I keep on putting it off. I was sober majority of the time last night but highly ADD so I feel very embarassed. I'm not going to expand more about this.

The only reason why I'm posting is because I stumbled upon an old mix CD I had for years now while I was cleaning my room and then stumbled on this song by Mandy Moore:

Back in the yesteryears when I was a fat freshman, I loved Mandy Moore! I remember my auntie used to tell me Britney Spears is old school Mandy Moore was the new deal. Her movie "A Walk to Remember" which I think I watched with my "barkada" (circ of friends) became an all time favourtie forever. Although it was the movie "17" which has the song above with the same tittle as it's soundtrack that changed my life forever.

I remember the first time I listened to the song was through MYX (PHIL music channel). The video had a "breaking into teenage" theme. I was 12 or 13 then and at that time I thought "I can't wait to be 17 and have freedom"! I promised myself I'd sing the song on my 17th birthday and that I would make it extra special.

Fast forward 4-5 years later I found myself celebrating my 17th birthday. I didn't become the wild child I wanted to be back when I was 13, but I was responsible. Deep inside I still had the desire to explore and live life! I didn't make my mistakes at 17 but it was on my 17th birthday that I pretty much commenced a life of exploring new things, and allowing myself to experience THE life (responsibly).

To all this crap short- the song sort of had an influence on what I have become NOW. Always trying to cross boundaries I thought I had on myself. I am not as crazy as other people out there, but looking at myself and how "good" I can be. I'm pretty bad.

That's all.

Umi-effort!

2009-02-18T09:43:00.000-08:00

"Umi-effort" is a comedic street slang in Filipino for when someone is making an effort. This is exactly how I describe Thursday nights are for me. For some reason there is something about coming home from a Wednesday close shift finishing at midnight then staying up all Thursday dawn to study. It is that time of the week where my study momentum is at it's peek.

I often give myself the excuse that having my bed at home is a distraction. Having Facebook accessible anytime at almost anywhere is a distraction, and even writing or customizing this blog is a distraction. Furthermore the mighty excuse of being tired and fatigued from work. All these things reasons why I never get to study on any other days, except for THURSDAYS! Just like now.

This time it's different though. For the first time ever I actually managed to enjoy doing my Economics homework. I actually have an essence of marginal analysis and know it's context, not just it's formula.

I feel like I've caught up, and I feel inspired. I hope this goes on from this moment on and until the rest of my degree.

AMDG! (Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam) - For the greater glory of God.

I hope and pray that the "Thursday" thing will be everyday, and not just on Thursday!

Update

2009-02-17T05:43:00.000-08:00

I am excited to announce that I have been invited to contribute for an Asian celebrity blog. *Claps* !!

I will post links as soon as my first post is published.

Sarah

2009-02-17T00:02:00.000-08:00

YUCK- This is one of those honest posts where I just totally admit to the whole world that I am a die hard of fan of someone despite my big EGO (sometimes). I JUST can't help it, ah well.

If God told me in a minute- Carmelo I have arranged a marriage for you, you need to marry her tommorrow. I would say YES straightaway if it would be her:

Sarah to Carmelo is-

LOVE (in a silly way of course)
HOPE (that one day a love story movie scene will come to life)
INSPIRATION (her success story is worth looking up to)

I can listen to her songs all day long. She has been my crush since like I was 14 years old. Back in the day when no one knew her, except for that gay guy in my 1st year HS class who belted out Celine Dion pretending he/she was Sarah.

Now she's box office queen, concert queen, and all the other tittles a celebrity can get in the Philippines. But heck, she's still my crush.

Korea and Me

2009-02-16T09:45:00.000-08:00

I was blog hopping then I stumbled upon this song. "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me". This version is by one of my favourite Kr. singers, duo As One.

Who happens to also sing this song. A song I loved to listen to back in the day. When I'd cry for one week after watching Korean dramas. I miss you Hyeri NOONA! :)This song reminds me of you.

It's funny coz now that I recall those days when I was young, still living at home, and in the comfort of everyone I loved I never seemed content and all I ever wanted is what I have now. Fast forward two years later, I'm still ranting about how I want to live another life.

BLAH!

Valentines

2009-02-14T04:34:00.000-08:00

Valentines- another pagan celebration that is not even once mentioned in the Bible, yet we still so dearly cherish and celebrate.

So today is Valentines Day and I really shouldn't be writing about it because apart from the unconditional love that Jesus gives me everyday, and the love that my family and very small list of true friends bestow upon me, I have no romantic inclination with anyone whatsoever at present.

All I want to say is tonight I had planned to party so hard I will never ever want to have a girlfriend and I'll love being single forever. Things turned out differently though. The turn of events that I mentioned in the post before this has compelled me to realise the most important LOVE that I should give attention to at the moment- myself, and God.

Change

2009-02-14T04:03:00.000-08:00

The way I see life has once again dramatically changed (well for now anyway). Whenever bad/sad things happen that take us away from happiness, I always take it as God saying- Slow down, your going on the wrong track again or to make us appreciate what we have at present. Something us human beings do not have the personal gift for when it comes to doing.

Early this month of February everytime I tuned into the news, the headlines were always about the bad wheather specifically in the states of Victoria and Queensland here in Australia. Queensland was wethering from the huge amounts of water that flooded almost 3/4 of the state. Meanwhile, the state of Victoria was in threat of experiencing the worse ever bushfire they have ever experienced.

These headlines were shocking, but I didn't really take great deal because as far as I am concerned, myself and the people I know are far from the stricken areas- And so I thought they were.

Come yesterday night, Friday the 13th I was doing my usual chore of surfing through my Facebook friend's list status updates when out of a sudden I read something very unusual from Grace's status update. Now before everything, back a couple of years ago there was a time when I went to Melbourne a couple of times. First to compete at a South Pacific School's Convention, and the second to attend the opening of a sister church in Melbourne. During these trips I had the chance to make acquaintance with the Youth Group there. The ones I kept in contact with was Mark, who ended up even moving to Sydney to study and I got to be friends with. Then the twins Shirlee and Grace, and their brother Jaeson.

Moving ahead as I don't really want to go into more detail. Jaeson and his sister Melanee which I never got to meet were two of the 181 lives that the fires in Victoria took. They were the only two Filipino-Australians who passed away from the horrific event.

Up until now I am still in great shock. I was never at all close to Jaeson and it wasn't until only late last year when he addedd me on Facebook that I was updated on how things were on their side of the world. I am in disbelief at the thought that someone I know and have met, actually became a part of one of the world's greatest disasters. Moreover, Jaeson had a good testimony to me regarding his Christian life. I remember the siblings, getting advice back then on how to best keep a faithful youth group in a church.

This whole incident has once again served as a wake up call for me, to never cease everyday as an opportunity to be a beacon of light for God. Life, just like Jesus illustrated is like a "vapour that vanisheth away".

In the past year and a bit I have witnessed quite a few of the people I know pass away. Something I don't see common with my peers. First it was my Grandma (mom's side) who I never had the chance to meet while she was in her last days suffering from cancer. All I had to give was a song I sang on the phone, the night before the morning she could no longer put up a fight. Then a few months after my only Grandma left (dad's side) left to be with the Lord through a good night's sleep. The last time I talked to her was when I would have given her a birthday present. Then Pesalili, one of my good friends back in high school also passed away after a long battle with cancer middle last year not long after my Grandma left.

Though all of this- my outlook and perspective of life has constantly been changing. With every sad passing away my faith and closerness with the Lord feeling as though it is coming so near. I have in a lot of ways become rebellious to my Lord every now and then. Despite this, He still loves me so much He would never stop reminding me of keeping on the same focus.

In closing, I can never ever forget Hazel's words of Godly advice:

Don't ever wait for the time when God has had enough of reminding you to keep track that instead He let's you fall so hard you finally have no other choice but to come back to Him.

2009-02-13T06:27:00.000-08:00

Hi There!

I LOVE attention. Give me some won't YOU! Go ahead, write comments. View my blog once every hour. Just once.

JOKES!

Just Dance

2009-02-13T06:19:00.001-08:00

Oh back in the days, when life wasn't so real. Well, not that it was so long ago. Rest assured, I am over my adventure days (well for now anyway). I am definitely determined on keeping on the focus. Although why not recall some moments of bliss. I'm not really very fond of embarassing myself (pfft!), but I just thought I'd share.

The girl who took this video was laughing excessively. I hope you find it funny too.

p.s. this video could be worth a lot in the near future. the one dancing with me just happens to be someone famous. you can go figure who it is.

Gone fishing

2009-02-13T06:04:00.000-08:00

Laugh out loud! How funny. I was browsing through cyberspace when I suddenly found this lovely piece of expose`:

(Sigh)- Oh what one trashy night that was.

p.s. the identity of the people in the pictures are undisclosed. just because I made this post, it doesn't mean it's me in the pictures. or maybe it could be. or maybe not. maybe i took the shot. maybe not? whatever!

Good Night!

This Blog

2009-02-12T07:12:00.000-08:00

Now let's be honest here- I'm not all new to this blog thing. In fact, I have two under this account I have made private. Beforehand I cannot even remember how many I've had.

I love reading blogs, it gives positive insights and useful information. Above all, it entertains. All along I've endeavoured to be one of those bloggers people visit so many times a day. I've always thought of blogging as another form of attention seeking.

This time I want my blog to be my blog. I don't care about stats, traffic, and links. I won't be counting how many comments I get in a post. I want a blog for myself.

My other two blogs all have the "Emancipation" theme in them. This is due to my very strong desire back when I was young (before moving out of home), to breakfree. Get lost somewhere, where I will feel emancipation forever. I may be still longing for it, but I realised I will never be content with anything that I will have in the present. The wanting to do more, and expand to broader horizons will always be there.

A Bag of Songs and a Heavy Heart-

Everywhere I go, in everything that I do music will always be a part of it. There will always be a song to inspire me and to break my heart. Through life, I will be carrying a bag full of songs.

For as long as I am in this world. In this crazy world, far from Jesus, I will always have a heavy heart. I will just have to learn how to take care of it. As for now, I have accepted ownership for it.